Theories and Unspoken Rules
Hello everyone! Happy Conference Weekend! The first session has already brought some new changes and powerful messages from the leaders of our church. I’m so grateful to live in a time where we have such great access to the words of the people the Lord calls. I was also happy to hear about the focus on the home and how these changes will strengthen our families!
This week we discussed several different things in class. First, we talked about theories that relate to the family. In exchange theory, most people will weigh their costs versus their rewards. In other words, they will only stay in a relationship as long as their costs are lower than their rewards. This was interesting to me. I thought about how this theory looks different in an emerging relationship and a well established marriage relationship. Usually, when there’s a greater commitment, there’s a greater responsibility and therefore a greater chance of accepted costs. This theory doesn’t explain all family behaviors. In the church we are taught that sacrifice and selflessness bring us closer to emulating the character of Christ and helps us form stronger family bonds. Applying these principles in our homes may mean cheerfully accepting great costs and seeing our reward as the happiness of our loved ones.
Another theory we discussed was symbolic interaction. Basically, we communicate in a myriad of ways that are symbolic, like a hug or a handshake, and these interactions can be interpreted in different ways. For example, my professor Brother Williams humorously said, “The law is that if you touch a guy’s arm, you’re practically engaged.” He also shared a story of a night where he was washing the dishes and noticed his wife was upset. After asking her about it he learned that she thought he viewed her as lazy when he stepped up to do the dishes, which wasn’t the case at all. “We often underestimate the significance of what we do,” Brother Williams taught. “Our behaviors can say more than words, but often we aren’t speaking the same language...If we could make things more overt and less covert, there would be less misunderstandings.”
In class we also discussed family systems theory. This theory doesn’t explain interactions as much as it illustrates them. It’s a good way for us to see how our families operate and where there may need to be some changes. The family as a whole is one system, and there are subsystems within it. The parental or marital subsystem is considered the most important in making sure the family runs smoothly. Another subsystem could include a mother and a daughter, or a brother and a sister. Setting clear boundaries within these systems helps relieve pressure on family members and overall strengthens the family system.
We also discussed how if there are problems in a subsystem, the family must be treated as a whole. You can’t take one part and polish it until it’s new and then put it back into a broken system. Often when there’s a problem with an individual, there’s a problem with the family system. Some of you may have noticed that when you visit home, you revert back to behaviors you displayed when you were living there, even if you haven’t been that person for a long time. This is called “homeostasis” where we try to bring the family atmosphere back into an equilibrium, to what’s familiar.
Lastly, we discussed the unspoken rules of our households. This assignment and discussion was fun, even if it was challenging at first. I found it easier to identify the unspoken rules of my family when I thought about when those rules had been broken. One example from my childhood was when you were caught sneaking food by one of your siblings, you had to share with them and then you entered into a secret pact to watch each other’s back, since now they were implicated in the wrongdoing. Oftentimes, this transaction was wordless. When you were caught with your hand in a box of fruit snacks, your sibling would hold out their hand and you’d fill it with the stolen treat. We also knew that it was more acceptable to steal from the household than it was from each other, otherwise we felt the sting of betrayal. Another good example (which took a lot of thought for me to realize, since this is so natural in my family) is that after we say family prayer at my dad’s house, all of the kids rush the parents to give them kisses on the cheek. This is so normal that when we have guests like aunts or uncles, we hesitate after the last “amen” and wonder if we should give them kisses as well.
It was fun to hear the different unspoken rules of the families of my classmates, and I was able to entertain them with the stories of my siblings and I sneaking food. I look forward to another week of learning and I’m excited for this weekend of listening to the messages of the prophet. I know President Russell M. Nelson is a true prophet of the Lord, and that he directs the Church under the divine guidance of Jesus Christ. Have a wonderfully spiritual weekend!
—Audrey Kaydrey
This week we discussed several different things in class. First, we talked about theories that relate to the family. In exchange theory, most people will weigh their costs versus their rewards. In other words, they will only stay in a relationship as long as their costs are lower than their rewards. This was interesting to me. I thought about how this theory looks different in an emerging relationship and a well established marriage relationship. Usually, when there’s a greater commitment, there’s a greater responsibility and therefore a greater chance of accepted costs. This theory doesn’t explain all family behaviors. In the church we are taught that sacrifice and selflessness bring us closer to emulating the character of Christ and helps us form stronger family bonds. Applying these principles in our homes may mean cheerfully accepting great costs and seeing our reward as the happiness of our loved ones.
Another theory we discussed was symbolic interaction. Basically, we communicate in a myriad of ways that are symbolic, like a hug or a handshake, and these interactions can be interpreted in different ways. For example, my professor Brother Williams humorously said, “The law is that if you touch a guy’s arm, you’re practically engaged.” He also shared a story of a night where he was washing the dishes and noticed his wife was upset. After asking her about it he learned that she thought he viewed her as lazy when he stepped up to do the dishes, which wasn’t the case at all. “We often underestimate the significance of what we do,” Brother Williams taught. “Our behaviors can say more than words, but often we aren’t speaking the same language...If we could make things more overt and less covert, there would be less misunderstandings.”
In class we also discussed family systems theory. This theory doesn’t explain interactions as much as it illustrates them. It’s a good way for us to see how our families operate and where there may need to be some changes. The family as a whole is one system, and there are subsystems within it. The parental or marital subsystem is considered the most important in making sure the family runs smoothly. Another subsystem could include a mother and a daughter, or a brother and a sister. Setting clear boundaries within these systems helps relieve pressure on family members and overall strengthens the family system.
We also discussed how if there are problems in a subsystem, the family must be treated as a whole. You can’t take one part and polish it until it’s new and then put it back into a broken system. Often when there’s a problem with an individual, there’s a problem with the family system. Some of you may have noticed that when you visit home, you revert back to behaviors you displayed when you were living there, even if you haven’t been that person for a long time. This is called “homeostasis” where we try to bring the family atmosphere back into an equilibrium, to what’s familiar.
Lastly, we discussed the unspoken rules of our households. This assignment and discussion was fun, even if it was challenging at first. I found it easier to identify the unspoken rules of my family when I thought about when those rules had been broken. One example from my childhood was when you were caught sneaking food by one of your siblings, you had to share with them and then you entered into a secret pact to watch each other’s back, since now they were implicated in the wrongdoing. Oftentimes, this transaction was wordless. When you were caught with your hand in a box of fruit snacks, your sibling would hold out their hand and you’d fill it with the stolen treat. We also knew that it was more acceptable to steal from the household than it was from each other, otherwise we felt the sting of betrayal. Another good example (which took a lot of thought for me to realize, since this is so natural in my family) is that after we say family prayer at my dad’s house, all of the kids rush the parents to give them kisses on the cheek. This is so normal that when we have guests like aunts or uncles, we hesitate after the last “amen” and wonder if we should give them kisses as well.
It was fun to hear the different unspoken rules of the families of my classmates, and I was able to entertain them with the stories of my siblings and I sneaking food. I look forward to another week of learning and I’m excited for this weekend of listening to the messages of the prophet. I know President Russell M. Nelson is a true prophet of the Lord, and that he directs the Church under the divine guidance of Jesus Christ. Have a wonderfully spiritual weekend!
—Audrey Kaydrey
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